Pillow Talk: Advice from Rania
Me and my friend started dating and fell in love with each other.
Me and my friend started dating and fell in love with each other. The problem is that it catalyzed severe relationship anxiety for them the closer we got. Therapies were tried but not enough to get through it. So we ended things. For both of us, the love is still strong, and the feelings we have for each other are still there and we want to have each other in our lives. Other than physical boundaries…How do we shift things to a healthy and loving friendship? Is that even possible?
Dear friend>lover>friend,
Thank you for sharing this and trusting me to offer some words of guidance while you make your way through this complex and shifting relationship dynamic.
So few of us are lucky enough to find a friend that we truly love and connect with, it is a gift worth trying to hold onto. Transitioning from a friendship to a romantic/sexual/intimate relationship can feel natural when we have undeniable chemistry with someone. The transition back to friendship, however, can feel far more awkward and clumsy. That doesn’t mean that it’s impossible.
I have some questions I think are worth exploring as you figure out how to navigate this chapter of your journey (both together and apart):
How did the relationship anxiety show up in your time as a couple? Was it characterized by insecurity? Fear of loss? Fear of impending disaster? Did your friend feel emotionally and physically fatigued by the anxiety? How did they cope (both before and when therapy failed)? Did your partner feel unsure about how important they are to you? Did your partner communicate effectively about their anxiety? Did you feel equipped to understand it and support them? How have you been holding up in the time since? How did you cope with their anxiety and your breakup? Have you taken some time apart to process and heal? Are you prepared to face the possibility of trying and failing?
The most important questions I have - do you still trust each other enough to try?
I ask these questions not because I think they’re a road map “back” to dating or even to the friendship you had before dating. The reality is that you are different, both because of the time you spent in a relationship together, and the break-up of that relationship. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it means you have to figure out what your friendship can look like now, in the after time. I ask these questions because they can tell you about the challenges you may navigate in trying to rebuild a friendship.
To answer your question “is that even possible?” it is indeed possible to find your way back forward to friendship, even if it means fumbling towards it. I am heartened to read your emphasis on a healthy and loving friendship. Healthy relationships of all manner require good boundaries, communication, and accountability. Although you may feel a longing for the closeness that you shared both during your initial friendship and the time you spent as a couple, your friendship may look different now. Taking time to heal and be with yourself before embarking on reconnecting as friends is important for your own wellbeing and for the health of your friendship. I also think it’s a good sign that both of you tried to navigate the relationship anxiety with support/therapies, it bodes well for your capacity to intervene in and address issues. In my own friendships, our ability to understand each other’s needs and work to meet them (within our boundaries) has been essential.
Try not to compare this new dynamic to earlier versions of your relationship (and yourselves). Make space to name and embrace the fear that may come with this. You’ve already survived the break up of your partnership, and managed to hold onto the love you have for each other. Make space for finding joy in allowing yourselves to feel excited about the possibilities that a new friendship has to offer. To relish in the intimacies of a generous and loving pal. In a world where a relationship hierarchy places so much emphasis on romance, loving and healthy friendships are worth building and protecting.
Aside from the awkwardness of figuring out how to be around each other again, you may find that the relationship anxiety hasn’t gone away entirely, mostly because the feelings haven’t. An intentional conversation about boundaries, communication and needs is an essential first step. What will they do to cope with any anxiety that may come along with your friendship? What are your expectations in this new chapter? What are your own needs? What emotional boundaries do you need? (these can include boundaries around communication such as late night phonecalls or constant text messaging, or around knowing about each other’s dating/intimate lives, or activities that characterized the romantic phase of your relationship etc). Those boundaries can of course change, as you become more practiced in this friendship.
You may find that spending time with other friends together is a good way to find a new rhythm and take the pressure off. Start slow, even though it’s hard when you still love each other and want to spend more time together. If you move too fast, you risk falling into the comfort of old habits and routines, and all the fears/challenges that come with them. Be prepared to confront any number of feelings from resentment, to jealousy to fear of loss. After all, you can both try your best, and still in the end find that the most loving and healthy thing you can do for one another is to leave each other alone.
To summarize, take time for yourself, figure out what needs/boundaries you have, have an initial conversation about managing your feelings, communication and respecting each other’s boundaries, make space for a new dynamic (rather than a return to an old one), manage your expectations but make space to be joyfully surprised. Even if it doesn’t work, it sounds like you really love each other. I believe that means trying is absolutely worth it.
with tenderness,
Rania